It’s about day eight of the sickness and I am feeling a lot better. I take breathing treatments at night and thank the gods for vicks cold and cough. I watched transformers last night after months of trying to get rob to watch it with me. Here are few short thoughts on the movie. I would take more time to explain but I want to get back upstairs. I thought the battle scenes were poorly done. I see the point that it was done in a way to make the viewer feel that they were there but the robots were too close together to determine exactly what was going on. The movie also turned the main character into a superhuman by means of dodging fighting robots and falling object with minimal to null damage. Movie magic. I also thought the movie was drawn out way too long but that’s my opinion. Shia was still adorable though.

mood: sick music: female trouble theme-Divine

I <3

brandylyn_kay

An article from MSNBC on Mother's day for those that have lost their mom.

On Mother’s Day, many people feel pressured to do the greeting card/Sunday brunch/bouquet of flowers thing. That is perfectly valid. It satisfies a need to prove you have a good relationship with your mother.

Of course, relationships with one’s mother are complicated and can’t be watered down to good or bad or roses or daisies. Pretty much all mother-child relationships have some conflict built into them, some more than others.

Obviously, any day that holds memories — such as a birthday, holiday or anniversary — can be be painful, and can remain painful for years.

On Mother’s Day, everyone else is focused on their mothers. So the feeling of missing your mother — and feeling like you are the only one in the world without a mother — can intensify these feelings of loss. This holds whether or not you had a good relationship with your mother when she was alive.

Though Mother’s Day is a "Hallmark holiday," it still is powerful. No matter how old you are, losing a parent is a regressive experience that makes people feel young, childlike and vulnerable.

So it’s OK to understand that Mother’s Day isn’t always happy. Acknowledge that you are sad and miss your mother. There’s no need to pretend it is not a melancholy time for you. Nearly everyone whose mother is absent feels bereft.

Even as you acknowledge that nothing and nobody can replace your mother, if you are a mother yourself, focus on the joy of having your own children. Celebrating your own motherhood will provide solace.

Finally, if you are estranged from your mother, Mother’s Day provides a good excuse for trying to repair the relationship. In some cases, a relationship is so toxic or abusive it is better ended. But there are many more times when that is not the case.

If, for whatever reason, there has been an evolution into a distance, or else a long-past insult that nobody really cares about anymore, Mother’s Day can allow you to mend that rift.

If you do decide to use Mother's Day as an opportunity to heal your relationship, remember that it's not a time to accuse or bring up old wounds. And don't be afraid to acknowledge that you miss having more of a relationship with her.

There is benefit from telling your mother you have been thinking of her and would like to achieve more closeness. The fact it is Mother’s Day will likely soften her up, as well. The time is ripe to make amends. So spend some time together, talk by phone, or send a letter or note. It is wonderful to enjoy your mother while she is still around.

mood: sympathetic

 A honeybee chased me out of bed and I would by lying on the couch but Rob's aunt is here. I had 100.4 fever last night. I had to call the pharmacy in order to see if I could take something for my fever and the cough because some of the medicine can interact badly with the depekote. Thank the higher powers that I can. so I've been taking shots of Vicks 44 every few hours. The fever comes and goes and I get cold sweats. Rob’s been playing nurse. He'll come in the room and pat my back down to loosen the mucus in my lungs. He even woke up a few times in the middle of the night to do this. He makes sure I have things to drink and lies there to hold my hand because I'm such a wuss. I love him.

On a side note My Medicaid kicked in and I can get new glasses and such. Excited!

mood: sick

I did it. I had been putting the call off for a while but took the leap about a week ago. Today was my first physical therapy appointment in over five years. I would have to say that over all it went very well but I have a lot of work in front of me. I think for the first time in my life I’m really coming to terms with my cp and able to do the work needed to make it better. My flexibility levels are very low. My right foot is about a twelve and my left leg is about a 10 on an angle flexibility scale. I’m not even sure the correct term but it judges my ability to flex my ankle. My calves are also tight as well as my hamstrings. I have a new regimen of exercises to do daily in order to stretch everything out so that I can rebuild strength because my therapist said everything must be loosened before we can even hope to strengthen anything. I expected this though. It’s a small step but I feel amazingly accomplished.

mood: accomplished

Stop Pretending

The great teachings unanimously emphasize that all the peace, wisdom, and joy in the universe are already within us; we don't have to gain, develop, or attain them. Like a child standing in a beautiful park with his eyes shut tight, there's no need to imagine trees, flowers, deer, birds and sky; we merely need to open our eyes and realize what is already here, who we already are--as soon as we stop pretending we're small or unholy. I could characterize nearly any spiritual practice as simply being: identify and stop, identify and stop, identify and stop. Identify the myriad forms of delusion we place upon ourselves, and muster the courage to stop each one. Little by little deep inside us, the diamond shines, the eyes open, the dawn rises, we become what we already are. Tat Twam Asi (Thou Art That).
--Bo Lozoff, from 365 Nirvana, Here and Now by Josh Baran

mood: peaceful

I'm feeling a little let down. I logged onto myspace and noticed that one of my friends had posted to new pictures so I went to view them. I decided to go through some of the albums and when I clicked on one of the pictures I noticed a very familiar face. My darling brother had left a comment calling my friend Mariah sexy and cute.   I noticed a few other comments along the same lines and I also noticed the fact that they all seemed to be left on her more provocative pictures. The thing that upsets me most is that I didn’t even know that they were friends. I knew that he had asked my friend Tori to be his friend about a week after I had found him and I thought nothing of it.I figured he was just trying to see what kind of people I hung around and get to know me a bit that way.  When I looked at all of our mutual friends I noticed that they were all girls. I’m now wondering why he has yet to ask Rob or any of my other male friends to be his friends even on something as trivial as myspace? Rob has always been listed number one on my friend’s list and we have numerous pictures of us together so it’s easy to see that we are in a relationship. Why does it seem like the only people he has asked to be his friend  are very attractive and have very shall we say prominent physical features?  I feel a line has been crossed and his comments make me feel uncomfortable. It also bothers me that Mariah did not mention any of this.  I know this is all silly myspace drama and shouldn’t even matter but I am trying so hard to accept Chad into my circle of trust and then I see him so blatantly hit on one of my friends. Am I over analyzing this?

I am sitting here listening to Skinny Puppy. I had forgotten how much I enjoy their music. I’m wishing I still had my tapes but they were lost in the hustle and bustle of moving around for the past few years.I went for tea with a friend of mine and got to get a lot of things off my chest. Today was better than yesterday. Looking back on the events I feel silly and embarrassed. I need to find a happy medium within myself and learn to take things as they are. There is no middle path with me I jump to the other side of the pond to quickly. I am just so frustrated and I’ve said this more than once. Smash glass houses. What more can I do? I go to my groups, I write in my journal, I take my medicine, I wear this silly rubber band. Nothing has made me better. Made me normal. Maybe it’s my definition of normal that is skewed. Unreachable. I am beginning to think so. I just want to reach a stable place.  I need to find my happy medium where I won’t make such ill rational conclusions.  I keep thinking that I will feel better after Mother’s day and after I start therapy but am I taking on too much? In the past I always thrived when I had a set routine and stayed busy. I think I may try to make an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow. I set to see them in three weeks but with my recent behavior I think the wisest thing would be to go in. I feel shaky.

I miss-calculated my therapy start date it is on Thursday.  I am grateful of this. I have decided that I want my workout pants to have words on the butt. I used to have a pair of pants that had luck bear on them with lucky on the butt. I miss them now. I decided I also want a ghetto blaster to take with me so I can jam to eye of the tiger while I exercise. I think that will be swell and the thought makes me smile. Humor is  one of my coping mechanisms. One of the people in a cerebral palsy group mentioned that their therapist modified some yoga poses for them and I am going to bring this up with whoever they assign me. I am started to get excited.

mood: contemplative music: empTe- Skinny Puppy

Today, was an interesting day. It was free comic book day. Free comic book day is the first Saturday in May so mark your calendars for next year. I’ve got a huge stack of comics that they were handing out and I haven’t had a chance to go through them all. I am excited about the New Hellboy that I got today and will most likely read it in the morning with a slue of other ones. Rob bought me a bride of Frankenstein movie print today at one of the stores. It has Boris Karloff in the center with a small Elsa Lancaster in the corner. I think I’m going to have a little section devoted to Elsa when I get a frame for the print of the painting of her that I bough at cinema wasteland this year. I need to buy a few frames actually. One to fit my planet terror poster and one for the Misfits sketch Rob got me from a local smoke shop. I also need to get something for my mother’s ashes. I’ve waited until Mother’s day to do so a can find something suitable. I have a lot to do this week. My father agreed to come up on the eleventh. This makes me happy because I have actually missed him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder after all.  It also means that we both will not be alone on mother’s day. I still feel awkward. This is the first one since she has passed.  I was sitting in group the other day and some of the other members were talking about mother’s day and all I could do was play with my bracelet. I feel odd. How do you get over a family member passing even if you weren’t exactly super close to them? Sometimes I wonder if I am grieving right.

mood: ecstatic

I finally buckled down and made an appointment with a physical therapist this morning. My first appointment will be next Tuesday at 8 am. This will be the first time I have been in any sort of physical therapy since I was fourteen that I remember. Fear. I know I need to take this step because it will help me regain some dexterity that I’ve lost over the years that I haven’t gone to therapy but I’m not sure I’m strong enough to push myself to the degree I need to. I know it will be hard and that I will be stronger in the end because I did push myself to do this. It’s just that starting is the hardest part. I have a tendency to not finish what I start and I’m afraid this will be one of those times. My legs already hurt so much from the walking I have done in the past few days. My feet are all puffed up and for a while my big toes looked like muffins. I also made my appointment to get a new par of glasses. The exam is free but I have to pay for the glasses myself. I am thinking about asking my father to help wit it all although I really don’t want to. I wish my Medicaid would kick in.

Group went well yesterday, Although one girl walked out. I wish there was some way I could get a hold of her because we bonded during my first meeting due to the SI. I want to make sure she’s ok because her aura was just pouring sadness and I don’t want her to relapse. I don’t want to relapse and I know that is a fear that we share. I hope she is ok I honestly do. I also explained to Becky why I dropped the peer-to-peer class. I was having problems with transport due to Rob’s aunt being sick and his mother spending time with her. During that time the more I thought about it the more I realized that now is not the time. Becky told me when I signed up that the peer to peer class is known to trigger emotions and that they recommend having a therapist while attending it. Since I do not have a steady one and it’s been really hard dealing as of late I decided to pass on the idea. So far just going to the mood disorder group has helped out.

mood: relieved

 My doctor’s appointment went well. It turns out the soreness I was feeling is completely normal after you come off of birth control. My hormones are out of sync. The bitch could kill. I’ve actually lost weight as well, which is amusing considering how much food I have been eating lately. I also got a referral for the ophthalmologist so that means I can get new glasses soon.

Chad left me another message asking to meet with me. He has begun to get repetitive and reach the point where he has asked the same question twice a week. I told him I would have to ask Rob what we were doing this weekend. This time I actually believe I meant it. I feel stagnant. I need to face this. It was I after all that opened up the can of worms and went looking. I found what I was looking for. I am nervous but I feel okay about this. Perhaps I just want the nagging to stop and get it over with. Take that leap off the cliff. Bravely.

My newest neopet that I found in the pound.

[/sidenote]

mood: relieved music: heavy boots- cold war kids

My mood has brightened. The fog has cleared. Today was an over all good day besides the fact I meant to write this entry a lot sooner but Rob decided to wander around photobucket.com on a quest for funny squirrel pictures instead. My doctor’s appointment went well although the doctor decided that it would be in my best interest to up my dosage of Depekote to one pill during the day and two at night. I told her that I had noticed an extraordinary change of my moods but I still felt al lot of anger and sadness.  I realize that these are both normal emotions but the problem lies in not being able to rationalize said feelings and have the ability to explain why they are felt. My next appointment is three weeks from now and prior to that appointment I have to go down to the blood lab and test the level of depekote that is in my system.

I also decided earlier that I wanted to by my father a card because the card he sent me was so wondrous. Thus, Rob and I took a trick to walgreens. I ended up deciding on a Winnie the pooh card that says, “thank you” wrote pooh, “For making me feel like a special person although you shouldn’t have” or Something along those lines. I decided on this card particularly because the card I received from him the other day was for no reason at all other than just because. Also, one of my fondest childhood memories is off my father reading me Winnie the pooh at bedtime. It was one of the first stories I remember hearing and later on in my life it was one of the first chapter books I ever mastered. I doubt he will remember this off the bat but I think I’ll write something about it in a little note on the inside of the card. I just wanted to get him something to say I haven’t forgotten you, father because mother’s day is approaching at a rapid speed. Awkwardness spawned by every TV ad or Internet banner that I see. I feel as though I should have a sign above my head on that just blinking does not apply. Perhaps, motherless scrawled across my forehead in sharpie. I’m considering asking my father to visit on Mother’s day just so he won’t be alone, Awkwardness being his only date. So I won’t be alone either.  Eventually, it will turn into just another day but not this year, the first year.

mood: refreshed music: Nobody Home- the Ladies and Gentlemen

Completely and utterly exhausted. That is how I feel at the moment. Today was a pretty good day although I still feel as though I have bricks in my stomach. I woke up around eleven thirty and sent a message to T-Rizzle about going to the zoo today because we had talked about going. She said sure so I hopped out of bed and took a shower. Recently, Rob discovered the joy of scaring me in the shower so he promptly bust into the room with a handful of towels. I suppose he heard me groan about the lack of towels on my way to gather clean clothes. All and all it was a nice gesture besides scaring me. He than waited for me to come out of the shower and jumped out of his parents room at me. I think he secretly wishes I would have a heart attack or something.

We got to the zoo around one thirty and boarded the tram to the primate, cat and aquatics building. The driver told us that if we wanted to he could get a golf cart to take us to the polar bears and wolf area when we finished if we rode the tram back down. So we took him up on his offer and a guy met us at the tram stop with a go-cart. Cripple perks go! He drove us across the zoo and up the northern trek to the polar bears where we stopped. It seemed like every time we stopped in front of an animal in that area they would abruptly stop what they were doing until we turned away. The best part of the area was getting to see them feed the seals. It was kind of sadistic. Do a trick and I’ll feed you. Get up on your rock, get down again, and if you do what I say you’ll get a fish. It tells you a lot about human nature. Seals are cute creatures though with their awkward waddling. We walked all the way around stopping at every animal. I almost feel sat the indoor giraffe house which was mildly amusing. I started walking down what I thought was a slope when I realized it was a slope with three inch stairs. That slope lead to bigger stairs that  created more mild amusement. Coming back people were giving me “the how the hell did that girl get down those stairs look” I love that look. Just call me Wobbles the miracle worker. I’ve already placed my order for a Technicolor dream coat but it hasn’t come in the mail yet.

I guess I should take a moment to explain myself. I was born with a mild case of cerebral palsy, which affects my balance and ability to walk. This may be an asshole thing to day but it has its advantages as well as disadvantages. Advantage one is that I get to cut in line at theme parks. Advantage two I get special setting at concerts when everyone else has to stand on the floor surrounded by sweaty strangers. Advantage three is that I get to ride a go-cart at the zoo. Now for the disadvantages. Firstly, I have to walk slow. Secondly, people think because I have issues walking that I have issues with using my brain. Case in point the natural history museum last year. It was around Christmas time and the museums in the square offer free admission for one day. My boyfriend’s brother had to sketch one of the paintings on exhibit for his art class so we all went and when we were done there we went over to the natural history museum. I should say in advance that this was the first time I had ever been to anything of the sort so I was wide-eyed the entire time. There was lots of activities set up being as it was close to Christmas and Rob decided I should make a bird feeder just to mark the experience. The lady running the birdfeeder activity saw me and smiled. She proceeded to walk me through every step as though I was a small child.  I. E. Spread the peanut butter on the bread evenly (completely with a great job), make sure you completely cover the peanut butter with birdseed. And then the best part was now, take this home and have your mommy hang it up in the backyard for you. I smiled and played along after I first caught on to the whole thing. I hate disappointing. I get the desire to smack people sometimes I do. I also hate when people ask the people I’m with questions meant for me. I was staying at Tori’s dorm one night and if you are visiting someone that lives at the tower you have to provide an I.D at the front desk which they keep until you leave. We walked in around two in the morning after going for tea. Tori had stopped to inform the woman that I would be staying over that evening and instead of asking me for my id she turns to Tori and asks her if I had an I.D She wanted to say why don’t you ask her but she felt better of it.

mood: exhausted music: hang on sloopy- The Remains

So, no more mania.I always hate coming down. I have this stale feeling and it leaks out of me I am forcing myself to write right now. I feel like I have bricks in my stomach. I barely have the drive to do anything although I did finish my letters to both Nadia and Laura. The letters will be shipped off tomorrow. I used the last of my hello kitty stationary but it’s alright because I have to go to Hot Topic this week when Rob gets his SSI check. He’s buying me new earrings because I lost one of my swirls at Suzanne’s last night. It was my favorite pair. They were made out of glass and were bright blue swirls that looked very Aztec. I got a card in the mail today from my father ad it was beautiful and made me smile for a bit. It came in an envelope that had music notes and I am genuinely surprised he picked it out himself. The front of it was marked with gold. I can’t remember what it said off the top of my head but when you opened the card itself it started to play you're simply the best better than all the rest. Again very surprised he managed to do this all by himself. I forced myself to call him. I get in these moods where I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m lost in my own world. The voicemails piled up and by the eighth one I considered the card and called him. I talked to him for around fifteen minutes before he said he had to go. He started his probation. He is only allowed to leave the house to go to the work and nowhere else for the next ten days. I thought about asking him to come visit me after that is over and done. I sleep with the stuff monkey he bought me ever since the mania has subsided. I wrap his hands around my neck and his feet around my waste. I need to find some sort of zen.

mood: drained

1. I received my first letter from my English  pen pal Laura. She sent the letter in decorative wrapping and it was chalked full of drawings. She even sent me a zine that her friend gave her she thought I would enjoy. I’m working on her reply and so far  I have one page down. I wish I had some sort of artistic talent that she would enjoy but all I can manage to draw is stick figures. I think I might send her some of the stuff I got for record store day.

2.Group went really well. I rated myself a four on a scale of one to ten. I didn’t want to talk at first but I gained the courage when one of the woman started talking about buying her first house and dealing with everyday life. I’m 21 years old and own my own for the longest time that I’ve ever been and I’m scared. I think that’s a normal reaction but most people don’t resort to self-injury to deal with it. I’ve had a really hard week but I’ve made it through. That IS a positive thought.

3.I’m waiting for Tori to get back to me so that I can go to the zoo today. I hope we make it before closing or we could go out for coffee instead. I think this community is working because it’s a little easier to take things as they come.

mood: contemplative

so, as it turns out today is earth day (I think) I was sure it was Sunday because that is when the Cleveland Metro parks zoo was holding their celebration. Last night I went to my first basketball game ever. Rob scored tickets at the last minute. I'm not usually a sports person but i have to admit that I had a good time. The crowd was so energetic. I did almost have a panic attack when I realized how high up we were. I kept looking down and seeing myself fall over the railings. I had to hold on to my chair for a good twenty minutes and when the lights went pout and the laser show started it was absolute horror. Heights and darkness are not friends of mine. I swear to gob and all his angels that I was on the verge of crying and I managed to yell fuck this shit even though there was a twelve-year-old boy sitting in front of us. Sure I feel bad now but I was utterly terrified. I eventually calmed down and got into to game. With all the energy it is hard not to. Clevelanders are a loud bunch. We ended up winning by a landslide. I also got a new stuffed monkey to go along side Hubert the one I got at the zoo. This one is pink and white and is all decked out in cavs gear. It’s also holding a baby monkey so Hubert has his own illegitimate family now.

I have this inner struggle. Yesterday was the closest I have ever come to cutting in awhile. I haven’t cut since February of last year but yesterday I came to close for comfort. It started with a fight and then when I went in to the living room my mind triggered a “hey Rob’s in the bathroom he won’t see you do it c’mon” I’ve had flashes for the past couple weeks where when I close my eyes I see cuts or images of my skin looking like it went through a cheese grater but I am steadfast. I’ll snap the rubber bracelet I wear on my wrist and I continue to write in my journal but the beast is knocking on my door. It was so bad yesterday that I even thought about taking a lighter and burning  myself never gone that far before. I’m going to address this with the group Thursday. I fear hospitalization. I’m not even sure if the depekote is doing its job. My dosage has been sporadic over the past few days, which I know is affecting it. I’ve noticed that when I do take it regularly it does help control my moods and I’m generally happy and more motivated but at this point I don’t think it’s enough.  Rob will try to play fight with me but for the past couple of days it has been sending me in to a panic. I even grabbed a pair of scissors yesterday to fend him off. I went to slice my arm I would never hurt him I just wanted to relieve the panic. I get in those mind frames where I don’t even realize I’m doing t. It takes over. He swore up and down I was trying to stab him and yelling. Volatile. I can’t control this any more. I don’t want to relapse. I would do anything not to relapse and I’m scared because now I don’t call metro until May to make an appointment to see a shrink. I do however go back to crisis clinic next week to talk about my meds. At this point I am unsure what to say. I’m crazy.

mood: confused